PITCHING TO JESSE EISENBERG

A PITCH MEETING WITH JESSE EISENBERG

Studio Executive:
Hey Jesse - thanks for coming in. I have several new projects that I think you are gonna love.

Jesse:
That sounds awesome. I'm really looking forward to branching out into some interesting and challenging character work.

Studio Executive:
Great! So first up is a commercial spot for a big soft drink- and we also want to talk to your sister Hallie Kate about this.....So it's set in an Italian restaurant and..

Jesse:
Stop. It sounds like "The Godfather Girl" spot , plus one.... I'm not interested

Studio Executive:
Great! I totally understand Ok.... so I have a couple of films for your consideration.
The first project is titled: 'Rye Playland' and it's....

Jesse:
Hold on just a sec.... is that set in the Amusement Park Rye Playland?

Studio Executive:
Yup! In Rye NY! You're from New York right?!

Jesse:
Ok - cause I'm kinda trying to move away from the whole amusement park genre thing - after starring in Adventureland and Zombieland...ya know?

Studio Executive:
Gotcha - well true, this one is set in an amusement park - but here's the catch...
you would NOT be a virgin....

Jesse:
Hmmm... interesting - but still I think I want to avoid the amusement park thing....
I mean I'm not even amused by amusement parks in real life... so whatever...what else do you have?

Studio Executive:
Ok - this film sounds hilarious... it's called "This Land is Your Land" and...

Jesse:
Yeah, I'm kinda also trying to avoid movies with the word "Land" in them, but maybe
I can consider it - if there are no amusement parks involved...

Studio Executive:
Great! well- it's a mockumentary so it will be hilarious.. and you will play this guy
who is a Roller Coaster enthusiast who travels across the country trying to break
the Guinness book of World Records in Coaster....

Jesse:
Stop right there. So It has the word Land, and is all about Amusement Parks...and I am assuming my character is a virgin?

Studio Executive:
Well - yes - but the good new is - you will get to wear brown corduroy pants & a hoodie,
and you get to shyly make out with a hot brunette chick....

Jesse:
Ok. I'm outta here.... (leaves)

Studio Executive:
Wait! How about hosting Saturday Night Live?

Jesse: (comes back in the room)
Yeah .....NOW you're talkin'!
***
Written by: Evie Aronson 10/5/09
eviearonson@yahoo.com
www.eviechevy.blogspot.com

PRIDE & PREJU-JUICE - THE JANE AUSTEN THEMED JUICE BAR - SPOT #1

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CLICK THIS LINK TO LISTEN TO THE RECORDING OF THIS SPOT:
http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/song_2571477

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ANNOUNCER
Don’t you deserve something special –
a place you can call your own?
Perhaps we can PERSUADE you to come to your Senses and sensibility and visit:Pride & Preju-Juice – The Jane Austen themed Juice Bar.

You’ll enjoy treats such as:
Always A Lady Catherine – Peaches n Cream smoothie

The Elinor Dashwood – Strawberry, banana and a dash of soymilk

Oh, Mr. Darcy – Hot Apple oatmeal and bananas topped with brown sugar

Letters to my Lover – Passion Fruit w/Mango juice and a pinch of pomegranate

Bring your favorite Jane Austen novel or purchase one from us….. sit and read for a while – and remember you get a 50% discount on Tuesdays if you come dressed as your favorite Jane Austen character.

You’ll find Pride & Preju-Juice – The Jane Austen themed Juice Bar in your local mall food court or international airport. Stop in today because, in the words of Jane Austen herself: “What is right to be done cannot be done too soon”

CHICKEN POX PLAY DATE

PARODY PSA - written for RADIOMEATSAUCE - May 2009
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LISTEN TO THIS SPOT ON REVERB NATION -
CLICK THIS LINK: http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/song_2008878
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CHILD
Mommy! Mommy! Look at that Johnny! He has all these funny red spots on his face and his arms and hands and…..

MOTHER
Yes, honey – he has the Chicken Pox – that’s why we scheduled this play date.
And, because it’s so nice to share, Johnny’s going to share his Chicken pox with you! It’s going to be so much fun!

ANNOUNCER
So….is a Chicken Pox play date right for your kids?A growing number of parents are looking to expose their children to chicken pox the "old-fashioned way," due to their concerns about the chicken pox vaccine.
Rather than a one-on-one play date, some parents opt for the Chicken Pox Party.Suggested activities include:
Connect the dots on Susie’s Face (with your finger)
Pin your tongue on the pox sore
Breathe On Your neighbor
And
Who can cough the loudest (without covering their mouth)

So if you are the type of parents who want their kids to have EVERYTHING, plan your Chicken Pox play date or party now.

Fast Disclaimer Announcer

Play dates and parties not recommended for Swine Flu or Mad Cow Diseaseconsult your farmer or pharmacist for more information

"THE UNDECLARED" - parody movie trailer

Written for Radio Meatsauce - November 2008

ANNOUNCER
First there was The UNIVITED

GIRL
“You were wrong there are ghosts in here”

ANNOUNCER
Then there was The UNBORN

GIRL 2
“Do you think it’s possible to be haunted by
someone who was never even born?”

ANNOUNCER
Now comes the most terrifying incomplete task of them all:
“The UNDECLARED”

COLLEGE STUDENT
Well, I dunno – I was thinking maybe English or possibly Engineering

CONFUSED/ANGRY MOTHER
Whattaya think your Father and I are paying
all this tuition for you to be wishy-washy?

COLLEGE STUDENT
I don’t know…I’m not sure…I can’t take this pressure…
and all of my friends seem to be mysteriously disappearing…

ANGRY PROFESSOR
If you want to live to see Graduation Day, You must make a choice!!!

ANNOUNCER
Big Man On Campus Productions presents: THE UNDECLARED.
Not choosing a major has never been so deadly.

SFX: Woman Screams

ANNOUNCER
Coming to theatres everywhere March 13th, available on DVD and BluRay March 15th

Look What the Wind Blewinsky - from August 1998

Look What The Wind Blewinsky……
A New Musical (not for long)


Featuring the songs:
Impeach Me Not
I CAN Tell A Lie (featuring The “We’ve Come A Long Way Since George Washington” Dancers)
Mom, My Dress Is A Trophy (Please Do Not Dry-Clean)
Stand By Your Man (used without permission from T. Wynette)
What’s Going On Here? (Al Gore Solo)
I’ll Blow My Stack! (solo by Orin Hatch)
Chase Scene in the Map Room – Dream Ballet
When You Wish Upon A So-Called Independent Counsel (Starr)
How Long Has This Been Going On?

CAST LIST
Phoebe Cates – as Monica Lewinsky
Bill Maher – as Bill Clinton
Barbara Streisand – as Hillary Clinton
Al Gore – as Al Gore
Drew Carey – as Linda Tripp and Kenneth Starr
Carrot Top – As Chelsea Clinton


By EVIE ARONSON 8/19/98

IF YOU SAY SOMETHING....SEE SOMETHING...

Random thought from August 2008

I saw the “If you see something, say something” sign on the subway, and under the sentence that says “Thank you for keeping your eyes and ears open, and not keeping your suspicions to yourself…” someone wrote “Cause they’re snitches”

The positive I took from that was: they used the correct version of they’re "t-h-e-y (apostrophe) r-e". These were graffiti vandals with good grammar.

Imagine the conversation….“Yo chico! Why you had to use the wrong one!?
It’s not t-h-e-i-r...it’s e-y apostrophe r-e! This one’s for free, but you better start paying me as your spell checker!"

SHIMMER SHINY SHAMPOO (parody commercial)

Shimmer Shiny Shampoo Spot (for Radio Meatsauce)- August 2008
SFX: shower (running water)
Voices - 2 young women

Val: My friend Marcia had a sleepover party last night and wouldn't you know it - I forgot to bring my Shampoo.(yelling) Hey Marcia - mind if I use your shampoo?

Marcia:(yelling from other room) Sure - no prob Val. It's right there on the shower shelf.

Val:Thanks! (to self) hmmm Shimmer Shiny Shampoo.....never tried it before......mmmm it smells so good.....(she is lathering)hmm what is that? (reading bottle label) Oh I guess it must be the special ingredients.....mmmmm (she is lathering)

SFX: shower sound off

Val: Hey Marcia that Shampoo is great - I guess it must be....

Marcia: I know - the special ingredients right?

Val: I guess so! Well, now I know the secret to your super shiny hair - and my hair feels so soft. I feel like a new woman!

Male Announcer: Shimmer Shiny Shampoo - our special ingredients are changing the world - one head at a time. Get yours today, anywhere hair care products are sold.
very fast like legal disclaimer) Do not get into eyes, keep away from pets...

(You can listen to a recording of this commercial at: www.myspace.com/radiomeatsauce)